you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
