I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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