The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My vagina just clenched in fear
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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