Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
