i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
