I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
