saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
