so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
