We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
