I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
