I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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