I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
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I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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