Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
