My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
