Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
