Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
