I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
