I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
