somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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