I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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