Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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