So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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