Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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