Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
