I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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