There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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