Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
