I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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