there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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