I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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