Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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