I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
