If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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