my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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