I am in a vortex of obligation.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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