Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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