I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
