I bet he comes in French.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
