dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm always down for nudity.
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