Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
there is glitter all over my balls
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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