I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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