Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
