there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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