I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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