last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
