lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
