All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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