She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
