Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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