Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
