if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
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Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
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Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.