Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised