Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
