How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
