Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
