worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
