The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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