proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm just crazy horny about you
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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