You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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